can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
