somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
