Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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