I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize