im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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