yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
