What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
