I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
