hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
