ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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