so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
