That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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