Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
