Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize