just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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