I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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