saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
