So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
