last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am available for nakedness
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
