Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
