well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
