Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
