omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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