were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
