Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
