Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
