My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
