Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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