There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
