nut hugger
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
