My friends, they love my intelligence
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
