So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
