I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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