So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
