i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
