We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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