smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
