So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
