so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
