And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The air was thick with penises
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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