I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
