I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
