I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
