I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
