And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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