My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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