I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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