My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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