where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
