Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Randomize