i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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