I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
