Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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