Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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