I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
