my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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