note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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