You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
