he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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