just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think i have herpe
just one?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I enjoy the company of your penis
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
