I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
