I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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