Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
