you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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