The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
