apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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