Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
