So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
