I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we're making bets on your personal life
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
