Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
